What if the cabinet zoomed as cats

Lawyer Cat on Zoom
Lawyer Cat on Zoom

This week we had the joy of ‘lawyer cat’ hitting our screens, breaking up the monotony of lockdown and making us all love Snapchat filters that little bit more.

If you haven’t seen the video, find it below.

Texas lawyer, Rod Ponton had to tell a judge he wasn’t a cat after he struggled to switch off his daughter’s Snapchat Zoom filters. The adorable little kitty caused quite a stir in the courts.

That made us wonder, what if the cabinet were cats? Well wonder no further here’s an idea..

What if the Cabinet were actually cats?

First or should that be furrrst, we’ve got our beloved Prime Minister. He’s loveable that’s clear and a bit of a scruffy rogue but perhaps as we can see from the filter, a little out of his depth! Who is pushing him out of the way….

Following is the slinky, powerful Chancellor, Rishi Sunak. He’s always one to strike a pose, still down with the kids but confident enough in himself to know he’s staying put…Relaxed amidst the pandemic crisis.

Looking directly at us with a bit of a glare we’ve got Home Office Minister Priti Patel. She’s pretty, a little smug and eager to get on. Bringing the claws back to the police force she’s tough on crime. It’s immigration where she’s had the problems but keeping the environment hostile, if she finds out you’ve got no right to remain, she’ll send you packing!

You might have to squint to see our next minister, well camouflaged like the army hero he is, we have Defence Minister Ben Wallace. Let’s hope that camouflage doesn’t mean he’s hidden away from boosting our armed forces.

Sexy and he knows it we’ve got Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab next. Winning over the ladies with his poses and sultry stares, the beefed up Foreign Minister always has his camera on a high angle…So much more of him can meet our eyes. Strong and personable he is ready to let the world know Britain is open for business.

Ready to get on with the tasks at hand, next up is our Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice, Robert Buckland. There’s no messing around with him, he has a job to do and wants to get to it with no trouble, no press posing and no procrastination. We wish him good luck!

Peeking in to maintain his relevance is our new Cop26 president Alok Sharma. He didn’t want the last job he was in, so side stepped to presenting about the environment to a global audience. Does he have the statesmanship for the role or will we see him with his tail between his legs soon?

With a paw over her mouth is DWP Minister Therese Coffey. Having one of the departments most affected by the pandemic it is surprising we have not heard much from her…Does she have a furball, is she being silenced or just a little shy for the mass media?

Stern and ready for the next big issue we have our Minister for the Cabinet Office, Michael Gove. Which side of him will we get today?

And bouncing in with some hyperactivity despite being a little over the hill, we have the zany Health Minister, Matt Hancock. Does he see the world the same way we do? Not so sure! But before he falls out of Cabinet here’s wishing him well on stopping the pandemic.

With pesticides, badgers, hunting and abbatoirs in his remit, anyone would think our DEFRA Secretary George Eustice was a meanie. However being from a farming background, he seems to understand rural life… Once he finishes off that bunny, he has plans to rebuild our agriculture sector….If he doesn’t get nabbed by the environmentalists first!

Striding in gently but with a sense of power behind her, we have the ever globe-trotting world trade extraordinaire Liz Truss. She may have sass but this little kitty is striking up trade deals all over the planet. Bon voyage traveller cat!

Hanging on to anything he can, we have our dear Transport Minister Grant Shapps. With no planes, expensive trains, boats stacking in the ports and a fuel duty hike rumoured, we do wonder what the Transport Minister has been up to. Usually a playful cat with unusual ideas, we look forward to seeing him rebuild our transport network…Catnip zoomies anyone?

Is it a kitty in sheep’s clothing? Or a Tory in Wales?! Welsh Secretary Simon Hart is doing all he can to fit in and make positive…Err pawsitive.. Impression in the Labour-ruled land of Wales. He needs the strength of Welsh dragon to drive some real change. Let’s hope he has another outfit stashed away.

Looking rather isolated on his perch, our Scottish Fold kitten, Alister Jack is all alone ooop norf but doing all he can to keep the Westminster link strong as the Minister for Scotland. We can’t have those SNP types calling for another ref-fur-rendum can we? Best get him some buddies quick!

With a Guinness to hand, Brandon Lewis our Northern Ireland Minister is fitting in well and helping Northern Ireland work through those tricky Brexit changes. With a good relationship with north and south, this cheeky chappy seems to going down as well as a pint! Roll on St Patrick’s day.

Cracking a whip and toying with his tarantula Gavin Williamson looks into the zoom with an air of aloofness. With limited whipping power we thought our Education Minister would be getting those schools and universities back open….Oh well sorry youths, there’s always jobs in fireplace sales!

With an ordinary background but looking very ‘new money’ the Secretary of State for MHCLG Robert Jenrick has a lot on his plate. From councils and planning to housing and civil contingencies, the pandemic has certainly kept him busy….Now where did the money for that chain come from? Hmmmm….

Flopping around hopelessly we have our Culture, Media and Sport Minister, Oliver Dowden. He knows the arts have been completely destroyed but he’s unsure how he can fix it during restrictions…Best just lay down and hope nobody notices…

Keen and ready for the job, the ever eager Kwasi Kwarteng has dived into his new role as Minister for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy. He’s just a little squished because his predecessor *cough* Sharma *cough* left a rather messy and heavy workload to deal with…Hang in there kitty, you can do it!

Ever beaming with a smile and often meeting with the grassroots Conservative Party members is the Party Chairman, Amanda Milling. No matter the mess, she’s bringing the positivity and reminding us all that post-pandemic the Government will level up the country! Let’s all hope she’s not just a cute talking mascot.

All about the paperwork and practicalities we have our Lords rep, Baroness Evans peeping into Cabinet to share the views of the ‘other House’. With the Lords regularly knocking back the legislation of the majority, we wonder is this kitty hiding in the drawers or getting stuck in!

Finally we have our visiting member to the Cabinet, proud, prim and slightly vintage, the Leader of the House Jacob Rees Mogg often shows he’s top cat with the pulse of the public, while seeking to ensure rules are followed, tradition is adhered to and Parliament is fit for the future.

So there you have it – a cabinet of cats! It could sure make for some interesting Zoom meetings…

What are your thoughts? Share them in the forums

About Swing Debates 175 Articles
Swing Debates: Discuss, debate and learn about British politics. Bringing you news, gossip, education and fun stuff from the heart of Westminster. From issues hitting MPs desks, to campaign groups, politico fashion and podcast reviews, we want to open up the mysteries of British politics to everyone. So join our community today! Get involved in our democracy!